Die, Ishmael, Die!

Depression kicked in once again.

Yesterday is the most regrettable day of my life. It is so bad that I had wished to I die. I even prayed and petitioned GOD to take away my life. I told HIM to send down lightning to turn me into ashes, or even send someone who will kill me. I even started questioning my life. I felt so miserable that I know that the people in the jeepney that I rode (to go home) feel it. I felt so miserable that I have a hard time pulling myself together so that I could finish my homework that is due today.

Someone said that a person's hardest enemy is himself (or herself). Throughout his life, he has to fight himself, he has to control himself, he has to accept himself, he has to face his weaknesses. The greatest challenge in our life is ourselves.

I hate myself. I want to go away to a far far place but I know that I have nowhere to go because wherever I go, I will always be accompanied by me.

What hell of person I am. The girl that I love is just an arm's length away from me yesterday and I did nothing! I just looked down the table, feeling very very nervous. Then she left, she went home. I am left with my other classmates, doing our homework. I am very nervous that they (my classmates) could hear me stuttering. I can't concentrate, I can't stop thinking of her, only of her. Afraid to the bones. Why did I ever cultivated the pessimism in my soul. Now I am having a hard time expressing myself to her, and to other people close to me, or to the people that I want to be close with, or to my friends, my precious college friends.

I am tired, weary but still alive. I am tired of my pessimistic self. Yes, my pessimism benefited me in the past...it gave me edge in my academics. In my past years in college, I always expected that I will fail my subjects, so I study hard, very very hard, I studied until I perfected the computations, the exams. In those days, my pessimism benefited me much but now, one month away from leaving the University and with a different priority and need from my previous college years, my pessimism became a heavy burden. One month more, I am graduating. One month more I will be leaving her without telling her my feelings.

I always expect the worst. Damn! The worst is happening now. And I wonder why GOD did not answer my plea. Foolish me, I doubted HIM again. HE that always save me from many problems many times in the past. I had seen and felt HIM intervened in my life for the nth times now.

GOD I do not know your plans. I can't see the whole stretch of road in front of me...but I know you are there to lead the way.

Quotation for the day: Go to other peoples funeral or else they won't go to yours.