Nighmares, Sins, and the Holy Week

Nightmare

I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed that I was appointed as the new head of the agency where I am working. Suddenly I felt the pressure of being a Boss. There are problems to be fixed here, there, and everywhere. The problems is so many that I can't breath.

The bad thing about that dream that it made me believed that I was really appointed as the head in real life. And that was a scary thing for me, given the fact that I was a newbie in the agency and the fact that I have the tendency to see the hole, instead of the doughnut.

Sins

I failed again! For the nth time already. This is a shame. Just like what a postcard says in Post Secret: "I do not know what to say to God anymore."

I keep on crying to the Lord. "Oh when, Lord, when will I enjoy the light and not hide from it like a scoundrel who hates it."

I miss my innocence.

Holy Week

...which boils the to one thing: Holy Week. Yep, today is Holy Monday. Today is the day to start our Holiness and strengthen our faith to God. Though I failed for so many times to return His love, I will persevere. I will try, even after all the failures, I will continue.

I may fall to pieces and be shattered by my sinfulness, but my struggle will only end if I surrendered the fight.

I remember one day, when I tried to go to a confessional inside a chapel in Galleria in Makati. I told the confessor: "Sir, my sin is that I broke my promise to Him. I had promised not to sin again. But then again, I failed. For so many times." The confessor answered me: "Don't promise God thus, because you will never ever fulfill such promise."

The confessor's answer irked me. Is he saying that I have no capability to fulfill my vow! That what I thought. That is what my pride dictated. But my pride made me fall, over and over again. I continually sin. I keep on doing things that is contrary to His teachings.

Now I learned that the confessor is right. That I can not keep my vow simply because I only rely to my own strength. Now I know that I had to rely on God to drive away my sinfulness and fix my sinfulness.

I had the knowledge. But still I keep on failing Him. Knowledge, indeed, is not enough. It is in loving God that I can only move forward.

So to the Lord I pray:

Lord, may this Holy Monday be the start of my new relationship with you
An improved relationship
May I accept without doubt your love
May I trust you with all my heart, with all my strength
Lord, make me a light that shines to all men
A salt that brings taste to wonderful food
O my God, please forgive all transgressions
all my lies
all my sins
Because I know, through the death and resurrection of our Lord
Jesus our God
That we are cleansed.
May you find my days worthy to be an offering to you.

Lord, give me humble heart, a loving heart
So that I could walk Your path with happiness
A pray thee to you oh God
In the name of Jesus the Lord

Amen.