Requiem to the Persons I Know and to the Multitudes that are Now Gone

I believe that death is a natural thing, that we will die no matter how powerful, how healthy and how nice we are. All of us will eventually be sent to the "other side." There is no escape; it is only a matter of time, place and circumstance. Our body will die and rot and become dust. But knowing this reality does not decrease the feeling of loss to the loved ones who dies, to whom we shared our times but are gone forever.

This post is for the two persons I know of but is not here in this Universe anymore. Persons that I am not close to but persons I had shared some of time with. This post is for the mother of my colleague here in the office where I am a student assistant. This is for her, as my form of gratitude to her, of her goodness to me. Thanks to you.

This post is for the Dean of the College who passed away last Monday. One of my bosses who had been kind to me. The college feels the greatness of your loss.

For these two persons I dedicate this poem by Federico Garcia Loca

Lament for Ignacio Sanchez Mejias

The bull does not know you, nor the fig tree,
nor the horses, nor the ants in your own house.
The child and the afternoon do not know you
because you have died forever.

The back of the stone does not know you,
nor the black satin in which you crumble.
Your silent memory does not know you
because you have died forever.

The autumn will come with small white snails,
misty grapes and with clustered hills,
but no one will look into your eyes
because you have died forever.

Because you have died forever,
like all the dead of the Earth,
like all the dead who are forgotten
in a heap of lifeless dogs.

This poem is also for the people who were murdered because of their political stand. The people who keep liberty alive in our society. This is for the 835 who made stand against tyranny and was murdered. This is for Jonas Burgos, Sherlyn Cadapan, Karen Empeno, and hundred others who were martyred. Requiem to the people I know, and the great multitude who were annihilated by a reactionary administration.
.

Solace in Reading

I am thirsty for love but I try to quench it by drinking from the cup of knowledge.

As I had posted many times over, I am broken-hearted and depressed these past few days. My past relationship devastated my soul and left me feeling desolated and alone. I had reached hell, just to discover that hell is not blazing with fire and boiling with sulfur but frozen below zero degrees centigrade. Many times, I hid, I ran away, I chose to be alone, to remove the rein of my imagination. I got tired of my situation, eventually. So last Sunday night I fought my depression in a desperate battle.

Instead of thinking of my misery, I chose to focus my attention in trying to understand society and politics. I found solace in reading. Right now I am reading the novel of H. G. Wells, "The Time Machine."

I am glad that reading somehow brought forth peace to my mind. I have read "1984," "Repent Harlequin Said the Tick Tock Man," and now "Time Machine." Knowledge quenches my thirst but I know that it is not enough, but hey it’s better than sulking in the corner.

Note:

Sa lahat ng mga taga-U.P., kung kayo ay mapadpad sa may CAL at may kailangan kayong bilhin. I recommend that you make bili (yuck, how cono) kay Manong Tindero sa kiosk sa tapat ng CAL. ‘yung bilhan ninyong manong ay yung nasa gitna ng dalawang tindahan. Mabait ‘yung manong na iyon.

Impasse

The sea, a.k.a life, is rough for me these days. I am mired in an impasse with one of the most important person in my life. There is a theory on human behavior that says that if a person is confronted by some danger or unpleasant situations he will either fight or flee. I chose the latter. I have a very hard time in confronting her...though I painfully miss her so much.

I want to talk to her...to say to her that I missed her. Unfortunately, I do not have the strength to break the impasse with her. So I am left in my own solitude...wishing...

note: I hope that I managed to talk to her in the future (And I hope that this will be my last post about my broken love and anxieties).

Anxiety Spells

I had another bout of depression this morning. I did not know how it happens, but there I was, depressed, scared, my mind degenerated into a corrupted audio file that keeps on playing those painful memories again and again. I do not know what to do whenever anxiety steps in my mind. Sad memories are projected in my head, amplified to a thousand times by negative things that I imagine. Gladly, at noon I found something to focus my attention. I decided to create a movie file from a collection of pictures in my computer. That project removed my mind from nudging on the painful past. The sad thing for me is I know that these memories still lingers somewhere in my head, still bent on giving me anxiety spells in the future.

Doing Time

I am so busy these days. I am working as an intern in a non-govermental organization and my task is to be a researcher on land titling. I do not like being a researcher, but then again, I was tasked this job so its my responsibility to finish it. I do not see the benefit of this work in my career, and this job is so exhausting and the stress is compounded by the fact that I do not like my job. I trust God that this is part of His plan to me. I am beginning to love it though, but still I wish that I get an internship that requires me to use my knowledge that I learned in engineering.

Inspite of this, I love working with the people in this organization. I salute them for their endeavor and for the fact that they are ready to work for the urban poor even if the salary is low compared to other architects and engineers of their age. I salute thee. And thank you for the lessons that you taught me.